My roommate is being a moody blob. Its seriously getting on my last nerve. I am so ready to have my own room. blah….
Maybe watching half a day away with NCIS isn’t the best ideal. It is a wonderful show, with great characters, or at least that is my opinion on it. However it may have put me in a very….ish mood. I am worried of so many things, I haven’t had the best start of the new year. First day of the New Year my car breaks down and it may be the transmission. If it is then well I am without a car. Its not until you have the risk of something taken away that you really understand how much you depend on it being there. Its the same thing with people, we never fully understand how much a person means to us until its either too late or getting close to it. How do you make up for all that missed time that you were too busy or didn’t feel like it. How do you ever really know if what you feel for somebody is what they feel for you. You don’t you have deal with it, Trust. Trust is a terrible word. You give it, you receive it, but you never really know if its true or not. You never really know if you really knew the person as well as you thought you did. You have no clue if you mean anything to them, or if you are just something replaceable.
I don’t trust forever, I have had friends who thought that we would indeed be Best Friends Forever. I have had boyfriends who talked of Love. I don’t trust those words. They lie, Forever is not forever, friends move, you try to stay in touch but it dies. Love turns out to be something that they whisper to everyone, or something they never really meant to being with. There is always people when you are down to talk about trust, trust them, talk to them, tell them all of your troubles, but They don’t care about you.
I guess the point in this rant is just wondering does it ever last, and if not why bother. I probably know why its the thought that it might last. You might have it right and the trust, the love, the friendship will last and that will be worth it, right? I haven’t entirely decided yet. Sometimes, I believe its completely worth it, that the journey and the small moments make up for the rest but right now I just miss my friends, I have that completely terrible feeling of what could have been and what once was. I can never go back there with any of them, either the distance separates us, a distance of both miles and time, or lies separate us. I wish we could all be friends like we once were and that there was no ugly partings. I wish for the truth from some friends, and knowing if I ever was anything to them, or just another person to deceive. I want today with the joys of yesterday. I don’t know if I like this growing up. I see my parents and they seem so friendless to me. I don’t want to be like that, I don’t want to be married and wondering where the person I married went because this is not who I married. I am in college, I dont know of a path that I could take that would really lead me to where I want to be. I like my country, mostly I like some of the people in this country, but I distrust the politics with a fiery passion. I dont know if there is any change to ever be had. I dont know if it is the person in White House of White House itself. I am betting on the latter.
I received the inspiration for the blog title and my username from two amazing songs. The first song is “Laughing with God” by Regina Spektor and the second song is “Join the Dots” by Citizen Fish. I recommend these songs especially Regina Spektor song just as something to include in your mental library.
Going to try this site as a sort of fresh start in the blogging world. Last blog sites I have hardly posted on so in an early new years resolution I am going to try to blog more and journal more. I hope to also write more poems but sadly thats up to my muse and not me.